| Why should I bother? |
[May. 25th, 2009|12:57 am] |
Hello people, it's been what? 2 years since I used this? fucking hell, I been using that Facebook malarkey and just kinda got off this.
Anyway, a lot has happened in my life since then, a lot of shit and stupid mistakes ensued, lots of regretful shit, lost quite a few close people due to my incompetence. But I have changed myself so I will not go through that sort of crap again. I have new friends now, ones who won't be leaving me to fall even further to depression, you know, ones who will actually care? the old ones didn't even seem to try to tell me their problems about me and what I'm doing, they just kept it from me and stopped talking to me, I thought they were friends, but looking back, it just makes me wonder if they even seen me as one.
Apart from falling into the depths of depression, I have been getting into alot of debt, which, hopefully now should be getting better as I have moved back home with the parents. Another reason for me moving back in with them is because of a thieving cunt of a housemate who stole quite a few things, expensive things, PSP, LG Viewty, Sony Ericsson k800i, Nokia 2310, a camera and Band of Brothers Blu Ray, he denies it though, even though I have proof he has taken the phones, I told the police, but they didn't seem to bother to do anything... anyway, I'm waffling, the reasoning was because he tried to overdose on paracetamol cause his girlfriend cheated on him, so, as I was overjoyed, I put it on my Facebook status that I wished he died, but he somehow found this status, probably when someone commented on it that I know and he has on his friend list. But anyway, when he found out, he was threatening to kill me, break into my room and destroy my things, smash my car in.etc so I had enough and moved out, I rather not have to think every time I'm in work if my stuff will be stolen or broken.
So everything seems to be up from now, no need to pay rent, food and bills, so I will slowly come out of debt. But all isn't going to be ok, I am still depressed, with losing someone really close due to stupid mistakes, nothing will seem to repair it, for those who don't know, I have been an idiot with cheating last year, and lost her forever it seems. She says she wants to be friends, however, I do not believe this, she won't strike conversations or even acknowledge me, I fully understand why she wouldn't want to be friends, but to say that she still wants to be friends and that I am still like family to her seems rather bullshittish if she doesn't say a word to me. I've tried to talk to her, I tried starting conversations, but now, I just give up, it just seems to be like talking to a brick wall at times.
Thus, I am going to have to think long and hard if I should even bother trying to be friends if she won't put any effort to it, she knows I still have strong feelings for her and want her back, but is that why she doesn't want to talk to me? is it because she is still pissed with me? is it because she wants to get back at me by making me feel even worse? or is it because she doesn't give a flying fuck about me? all these questions float around in my head, it is just destroying me, so rather than have these thoughts, is it best if I just stop trying?
All the crap that has happened has changed me alot, maybe for the better, but the feelings from it is painful, I just hope I feel better before it is too late. I know most if not all of you will be judgemental about me, but whatever, just say it, I heard it all before and after reading all this, I'm sure I'll lose a few e-friends too. I just hope my life will get better from now on. Oh, and future posts after this won't be a sob story or depressive, well, maybe. |
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